I’m not going to write this post. It’s one of those posts that cannot be written, full of things that people shouldn’t hear. Not mean things or bad things, no, not really, just uncertainties and anxieties and exhaustion and anger. Nothing that would hurt anyone but me. Have you noticed how often you can’t speak of these things for fear that speaking will change the game in ways you can’t foresee? Have you noticed how hard it is to fall asleep at night when you don’t speak? How hard you get?

I speak. I don’t speak. I hate my job. I love my job. I have a job.

9 thoughts on “i’m not blogging this

  1. Toril

    Jill, all I can say is that I love and adore your writing, being happy or sad!
    Wishfully it would all be happy, but life is not like that. It isn’t all happy
    and carefree, it’s all about commitments and deadlines and sacrafices, and God
    knows what. And ALSO it’s about making the right choices at the right time, and
    how are we to know when it’s right or wrong?? We are only humans, and
    half the time it’s guessing, and we are bound to make mistakes. All I can say
    is that there is a light at the other side of the tunnel, look for it, seek it,
    and you will find the peace and tranquillity that you are searching for in the
    jungle of “adult life”. Being tired and bewildered is allowed!!!

  2. Francois Lachance

    I’m not writing this comment. At least not directly. Let it be an orthogonal language matrix traversal. On Friday, the concept of “prolonged spring cleaning” cropped up in a conversation. It seems to fit the muddle of muddling through. There, I didn’t write that. It’s my fingers that moved across the keyboard and my brain that picked up the phrase from memory and assessed its appropriateness. Me, I was elsewhere — a little behind and catching up. Those fancy combinations of diectics and negations work wonders for activities that have a temporal stretch like writing. Try this: “I am not reading this.” 🙂

  3. vika

    Yeah.

    They should make a t-shirt for this state. “I’m not blogging this.”

  4. Jill

    Actually, Vika, Alex Halavais did. At least in Photoshop 🙂

  5. royby

    Hmmm…
    I think I know exactly what you aren’t saying having felt like that many times myself of late.

    Cheers

  6. andy

    I’m with Toril and Royby.

    When it’s like this for me, I tell myself that it will pass. And it does. But it’s definitely easier if I don’t think or write about it. I don’t know if that’s the case for you? I hope your rotten phase passes real soon. [supportive handshake]

  7. Jazz

    En realidad no estoy escribiendo estoy en espanol, bueno si es en espanol,
    porque es que me da mucha pereza escribir en ingles. Escribir en ingles es muy
    lento para poder expresar lo que en este momento siento despues de haber leido
    tu entrada sobre ansiedades, incertidumbres y rabias. Es dificil por que en los
    ultimos meses ese ha sido mi estado emocional que solo en espanol me sale bien
    cercano al sentimiento. El no poder decir lo que “deberia” decir se ha vuelto
    parte del apredizaje que implica vivir en otra cultura que no se parece en nada
    a la que de alguna manera perteneces…en fin se me hace que ya me enrede pero me siento un poco mas liviana!

  8. Scott

    Beckett, no, Derrida, no, Beckett.

    The post that cannot be written writes itself nonetheless.

    This does not change the fact that you should sleep well and dream.

    Don’t get hard.

  9. Sindre

    I had a post like that fortunatley I wrote it in a text editor and not directly in to wordpress’ web interface, I read it after writing it, and decided it was best not to publish it. It would only expose myself, and no one else. It’s strange, where do you draw the line about what to blog about and not ? for myself, I tend to not blog about things if it involves what I think and feel about other people.

    Does blogging change how you behave in an every day situation, or how people interact with you ? I don’t know, I surely hope not…
    but then again… put the spotlight on someone and they do tend to behave differently, no matter how small the spotlight might be.

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