I’m improving at Grand Theft Auto. I worked out that “the red marker” the text mentioned every time I neared my “home” wasn’t an elusive button on the controller, but a freaky red lit area (beam me up Scotty) in the gameworld though obviously it doesn’t really exist in the gameworld. Steering CJ into the red area led to cut-scenes (and they load so slowly and you can’t opt out of them until they’ve already loaded) and then a point where I’m supposed to ride my bike and follow my “brother” and his friends.

Except I am such a bad cyclist. Not in real life, in real life I’m an experienced cyclist, I zoom down hills and lean expertly into curves, but in this game I keep swerving too violently, I get run over by cars all the time and then there’s the people who keep shooting me, of course. I’ve lost my brother and the gang so many times it’s not funny.

At least it gives me plenty of opportunity to practice cycling around, and carjacking cars and driving recklessly. And getting busted by the police. It sucks that cycling in a game is so much harder than cycling in real life.