So, uh, Santa asked me if I could test-drive the Playstation 2 just to make sure it worked in time for Christmas Day. I popped in the newest Grand Theft Auto and so far I’ve been beaten up three times, thrown out of four cars, shot twice and been brutalised by the police, who also stole all my things and planted evidence of a crime on me. My guy (CJ) got really smelly. He even farted when I left him standing there for a few days. That and the subversive point of view on society must be why it’s R-rated.

So I restarted and this time managed to keep my bike, sort of learn to ride it, and after a while I was somewhere the voiceover said used to be my home. Some text said how to get off the bike, so I did, and nobody beat me up or stole the bike, but I can’t figure out how to talk to them either. I found a guide, and apparently I should have found someone called Ryder. Who’s that? And does that mean that if I didn’t, there’s nothing to do?

Honestly, games really frustrate me. And yet, I’m going to crack this. Anyone know a good guide to San Andreas for beginners?

[Update: OK, so riding around till you get the hang of it’s good, so is random killing, it seems, cos you get guns off the men and money off the hookers. It seems harder to kill rich people, though maybe I was just fumbling. And then there’s Casanova973’s guide, which is impressively detailed, and hugely helpful. Casanova may only be fourteen, but he sure knows his way round this R-rated city.]